The reason it's so alarming, is because yesterday I was in a pit of misery. I didn't get out of bed, I didn't go to school, I didn't bother suppressing my bitterness in therapy, etc, etc.

But today. N-sensei came, and she had heard about my unhinged state, knowing exactly what to do, she hugged me, rounded me into her civic, even as I was unwashed, and we had delicious pasta. I love her, and she is such a dear woman, I'm so glad she has been placed in my life.

I went home, took a shower, scrounged for clothing, and then Grandma had an appointment to get her "?" shaped stitches. I took photos, it took no time at all. The library used book store is right next door, and we browsed, and even bought. I wound up buying the exact hardcover book on Japanese design I had checked out five years ago. It was delightful.

We almost went home, but took the wrong exit and wound up going to see the lovely Jen! Jen is lovely. We chattered and ate and watched Oprah, and did exercises, and Mom and Jen talked about her new beau, Gram read, I petted a yappy little dog and an elderly cat who aged extremely well. Jen also let me burn some of her extensive musical repertoire to CD~.

We had to go as she had work, but guess where I convinced my Mom to swing by? COMIC BOOK SHOP. I was there for five minutes, trying to contain my geekiness, until convincing Mom to come out of the car and join me. We both had fun and talked about pin-up queens, the Hulk's awesome female cousin, Doctor Who, classic comic strips, and fawned over figures. It was the best. They had to close, so we bade our farewells, but in our hearts promised to make a return trip.

Our last detour before home was Trader Joe's. I found Pirate Joe, a monkey, and got a free organic watermelon lollipop. Mom chatted with the employees, and bought delicious hummus and such. I convinced her to get snap pea chips and mochi as well~

Today was very good. I spent in with my family. Gram got her stitches out and has no cancer.

The end.

I don't remember in which song Ringo says this, but she describes sex appeal as being all maturity and skill and talent.

I hate how that isn't true in any other realm. In any other realm the mature, the skilled, and the talented will be passed over often times, or never heard, because the power brokers lazily ignore them, or are threatened by them.

You see, it seems destiny is more in control. It;'s easier to say 'destiny' than "God" because God's plan, which he allegedly has for all of us is described as rainbows and smiles, even when in can't possibly be.

I didn't choose my parents, I got luck, I didn't chose my financial bracket, that came with the parents, I never had relatives as a small girl and when I finally learn about them, have them, I can't even fathom it because the gap is too big.

I'm cynical and bitter as of late. Holden Caulfield syndrome, from earlier, has floated back into my thinking.

And when I'm not bitter and cynical, I'm just drunk with apathy. I don't care. I spent three hours entering cheat codes in animal crossing on a golden afternoon, and when it occurred that soon I would have no more goals to achieve in that game I pushed it aside and continued my menial task.

Menial and pointless. I should have been doing something menial and purposeful.

I can't achieve anything. This is my own fault, but perhaps is my resources were different I would be like my baby cousin, musical gifted and with a head screwed on straight.

I can't even go to the bathroom. Every time I go, it clogs. I literally shit bricks. I cry. I just want to go potty! The bathroom in sacred, a place for cleansing, and I used to really enjoy taking a piss, but I'm not allowed to find simple joy in one and two because I'm too busy trying to make little poops and break off the bricks and then flush, and then it clogs anyway.

I have no friends.

I have no skill.

I have no connections.

I have no real reason to live, not even the old stand by of my younger years "well there are so many books I have not read" works anymore. Of course...

I have no drive.

So don't worry about me trying to end it anytime soon.

What if this is all my fault? What if it's my fault? It could be, maybe I'm just to lazy to fix myself. I don't know if that's true, I actually don't know if anything regarding myself is true.

I want to sleep but if I do it know I'll have to renege on something Mom signed me up for tomorrow, and I really wouldn't care I just want her to be happy. But even then, trying to make my family happy doesn't supply enough drive for me to do the right thing.

It's awful, I can't even rail at God. I want to cry.

And yet, in between the afternoon of yesterday and now I had moments of goofily dancing to "Lawrence Welk".

What's wrong with me?

I don't want to be miserable.

I'm doing alright, but I can't stand the up and down anymore. My meds have changed (yeeeeey, clonopin) but only within the last week or so.

I want to be happy. I don't want to feel like I'm living for nothing.

I want to be successful, and finish my projects, and pay down my library fines, and do my homework, and have friends.

I don't want to lash out at my parents just because there is no one else to lash out at. I wish I had my fathers number so I could shriek at him.


Grandma had mohs surgery for her skin cancer. She looks a fright, I have plenty of pictures. Hopefully it's all gone. She's a trooper. I love her. I'm glad once we took her off the aricept she wasn't crazy any more.

I love my Mommy too. I wish she could have a life to herself, and not worry about Grandma and I. I wish she didn't have to worry about money. I wish she was married to some lovely guy.


My Aunt Amy died. Because of that I met more family. I think it's silly that as a little child I had no big crazy family, and was all alone just the three of us, and suddenly people are coming out of the wood work. This family I had never met before was rich. And perfect. My baby cousin could drive and was a good musician, and had two wealthy parents, and was a good kid. I wish he'd drop dead. My Aunt Sheila was scary and good at the same time. I'm sorry I'm indecisive and for the whole not being able to pick a beverage and then picking one and then it being out you calling over baby cousin to drive and get it being a slap to your face about the whole womens lib things. Sorry. I mentioned MIT. People actually listened and then talked to me like they actually expected me to get in. I was scared. I was glad to go home.


We're supposed to wash strawberries before we eat them but I don't. I don't care if they have dirt and the poopoo of migrant workers on it, washing them just contribute to the failure of the human race, putting us even further into a bubble that can't be sustained.


I puked today. I hadn't had enough food before taking my pills so I upchucked strawberry and date and icky school lunch sandwich halfway up the stairs. I had to hold it in my mouth. It wasn't fun. But it's isn't enough to scare me into loving my body and not feeling horribly overweight and unattractive.


I want to feel entitled, like deserve nice things, and I have lately. I know that isn't true. I need to stop wanting so much.


Disneyland doesn't let you wear costumes there. Someday I'll write to them and get a pass so I can do it anyway.

Guess what?

As usual, I went through a winter of discontent in regards to blogging. I may as well resign myself to the fact that I never blog when it's cold and grey. Even when we have bizarre as heck Christmas snow storms.

Anyway, I'm not doing to well. I've dropped out of school (!), or sort of have, having disenrolled in my college classes, and only attend highschool on a tutorial basis. It might be because my meds have stopped working (!!).

I was dropped from my psychiatric service, so for a while had no therapy, and no medication management. So, now we are starting fresh with a new programme. My new therapist seems incredible, she actually went to college for costume design, and was a milliner in New York (!!!) before she changed lanes and entered the psychiatric health field. I like her.

Still, I'm really depressed. I haven't been "happy" in a number of weeks now, and can barely get myself to move. I don't leave the house, and hate myself and my laziness and my mediocrity more and more each day.

I want to begin sewing again, and I should, seeing as how one of my Christmas gifts was a fabulous new sewing machine, but I can't get to the fabric store no matter how hard I try and plan. In addition to that, I don't even know if I should spend my money on materials, because, as usual craigslist has some stellar deals.

I have a basement now, it's like a post apocalyptic zombie bunker. Our yard has been butchered and looks seriously sad. I'm addicted to /cgl, which is not helpful to my social growth, or my self confidence.

By the way, did I mention my passages is about growing a healthy social network? Yes, only someone as pathetic and alienating as me could possibly have to have a school assignment dedicated to making to friend.

I hate myself.

Why is it in the winter I do not write? Like, at all?

My blog goes cold with the weather. I better you know, sex it up, write something up before it decides to leave me for the pool boy.

School. That I can talk about. Break is over. Over break I wrote a grant. Well, I helped. Had a minor break down towards the end.

I started Japanese. Now half way through 101. I missed the voice acting seminar entirely, so, not happy.

On Japanese, conversation? Not so bad. Hiragana? I love writing it (relaxuma~~), but it MESSES ME UP, YO. I mean, BREAKS MY BRAIN. I cannot recognize anything more than a few odd characters, and MID TERM is on TUESDAY. Gaaaah. I might have to cheat. And then feel guilty and perform some self destructive act. On the good note, their is a tall underclassman who shares his candy bar with me. My classmates are nice (even my best friends older brother, which is kind of bizarro), and my teacher is adorable.

The organization of the chairs doesn't work for her so she says "Okay, everybody in a circle!" so we try to organize and fail, so she shakes her head and says "Two half circles!", and draws a diagram on the board of a half circle within a bigger half circle. And then she draws a dot at the front, and points at the half circles and goes "Common People." Then she points at the dot and goes "Goddess."
I love her. Her fashion sense is quirky and cute too, she has the greatest socks.

At school school, my schedule goes Nancy, Math, Health, Nancy + Lit.Except this week, Lit and Health were switched, because the sex ed teacher from the county came.

I wanted to kill myself. We had a combined class with the academy, and I don't like academy students. I didn't learn anything new, I wound up pissing people off by casually mention that when the time came to ask the opposite gender questions, that I didn't respect them enough to ask their opinions. I say shit like that. I guess my brain went into 'joke sarcastic' mode, spouted off something that was true, and I wasn't close enough with the class to get away with it. Awkward. Other classes teacher? Not happy with me. And I got turned into an object lesson on how not to have a fruitful relationship. Apparently, according to some of the mixer exercises, I am the only one to never have a boyfriend/girlfriend. I just leaned on the other side of the wall looking badass, but I swear on chick actually gave me the "I Pity You" expression. Which is funny, because I don't even know if she was capable of using the word 'pity' in a sentence. The fun part was the dice game. Make up a character, role some dice, see what happened to him/her in sexy town.
My character was so awesome I might just have to scan it in and show you. Srsly.

Lit is by far my favorite clas.s We are focusing on the classic, but Nancy always teaches things in unique ways. Each of the kids are reading a different classic, and we all sort of share information. I chose Catch-22, and I am really enjoying it. Yossarian is such a head-job, everybody is such a head-job. It's hilarious. Because everyone is so screwed up and horrible, I can't help but love them all. I read up about Joseph Heller, and it seems that the way he wrote that novel, the writing process is similar to mine. Takes a heck of a long time, yet one sets up a frame work and ideas within an hour or two of the first twinkle in ones eye (flies in ones eyes). Rusty subbed for us today, and he was actually quite hilarious. Read a chapter from 1984, so of course I had to be mute buttoned. I was very happy. Didn't get to take 1984 home with me though, which is less than fun for me. But damn, I have so many books at home that it doesn't matter,

I went to the library, and get this, checked out a stack of novels. Just started munching on them, for a week the computer was untouched (mostly) and all I did was read, drag myself to school, and sleep. My sleep schedule was actually really really off that week. The books ran the gamut from steampunk fantasy to modern semi-elitist creative novel, to lift up your spirits, to trashy showbiz fair.

And of course, Kafka on the Shore. I'm saving that one, I feel kind of guilty having the opportunity to read a Murakami book and Catch-22 at about the same time. I feel spoiled.

I'm going to be discharged from therapy soon. As time goes by I'm more irked at the therapist who departed, but even he thought I was ready to leave. My meds would have to be transferred over to my Doctor who I have never even met. It feels foreign. I'm ready, but at the same time I feel like I might be even worse. A worse person. A more functional person, but not a better person.

I have a funeral tomorrow morning. I should sleep.

Ohkay.

So I haven't blogged in quite a bit, somehow every year without fail, around autumn time, I drop off the radar.

I mean, more off the radar than I already am.

I reinstalled the OS on my computer, because it was getting cluttery and I finally have a 750 GB EXTERNAL HARD DRIVE to put all my crap on.

Michael 4 is coming out over at Daz.

Finally built my Mommy her computer, needs a little touch up, but mostly done. Which means she may finally consider...getting high speed. Maybe. If I am lucky. Cuz lordy knows I need it, I have TONS of downloads piling up. It's pathetic.

I started college, officially. I have a little ID card and everything. My picture isn't bad, I look really smug, but I also like my outfit, and the angle is pretty flattering.

Gram is old (er). She turned 96 Oct1.

I helped write a grant. It's important. And hard to summarize.

...the stress of which launched me into a small breakdown. But it's over and all is well.

I still have a week of break left. I want it to count.

Halloween is soon. I hafta start making my Tardis and find my wig cap. I've decided to be Moe!TARDIS aka TARDIS-tan. Yeah. Japanese popular aesthetics rape everything.

I feel lonely and kind of bored right now. I should be sleeping.

Symptoms include extreme apathy, hypocrisy, and irritability.

It's been a long time since I wrote the last entry.




Hmmmm? Were you expecting some sort of recap of my adventures?




Last night and tonight I finally sat down to watch 'Sakuran'. I had previously read the first volume of the manga, and had been following the film since almost it's conception. Four great women made it possible, mainly. Anno Moyoco, the manga-ka, Ninagawa Mika, the director, Tsuchiya Anna, the lead, and Shiina Ringo, the musical director.

I had downloaded a preview copy (meaning the word SAMPLE was printed in the upper left hand corner, and every twenty minutes or so Japanese text saying to buy the DVD would scroll past) very shortly after it's release, and I had stored it away for almost a year.

I have a tendency to do that with films I have to download little by little. Watching the progress creep by through the month does something to my desire to want it instantly, I don't want to waste that waiting, and so I wait some more.

...Sakuran was good. The first half of it followed a predictable pattern, having read the manga I knew most of it. Things were in a different order, but still more or less the same. I was annoyed that they never used her kamuro name, Tomeki, and wished that the kamuro in the film had their little top knots, but honestly? What little girl would let you shave their head for a film role?

The second half was completely new to me though, as it would be to just about anybody, since the manga is only one volume, left open-ended. Suddenly I had been dropped in a familiar world but I had no idea what would happen next. I really anticipated the worst after she lost her baby, I really did. I expected that it would end in the fashion that seems so Japanese, the woman would marry the man who could give her a life, but she could not love, and the man would do the same.

But no! For some strange reason it all turned out...alright. Happy. Free. The world did have limits after all.

Maybe because events were out of order, throughout the film I felt like I was watching deja-vu, I mean more than just having similar events repeating themselves. It was...confusing. The dizzying array of colours and mish mash of patterns was almost blinding. It very much lived up to it's name. ...from aesthetics, I prefer the looks of the men in the film to the ones in the book, but the ones in the book to ones in the film for the women. Anna Tsuchiya is of course, pretty, and convincing in her role, even looking a great deal like the drawn image, but she was just too foreign. Or...not foreign enough? This is purely aesthetically speaking a comparison, there is no denying that she did brilliant job making the character come alive. In fact, many people mention that she almost specializes in tough girl roles, but a side by side comparison of the source material will reveal that the violence was toned down! Well, I aside from the scene where Takao dies...that was just straight up Tarantino.

The way the Oiran walked on the promenade made my ankles hurt, I kept waiting for her to fall and sprain. Also, to confuse you the main character.

Tomeki = Kamuro > O-Rin = Hikkomi > Kiyoha = Shinsou > Higurashi = Oiran
Kiyoha = Kamuro, Hikkomi, Shinsou > Higurashi = Oiran

Above is manga, below is film. Neither is simple! At least Seiji is always Seiji.


On the other spectrum of film we have 'Gake no Ue no Ponyo', the translation I prefer being 'Ponyo's Fjord'. It is the newest in the Ghibli canon, following the tale of a little fish girl (She might be a goldfish! How symbolic!) who wants to be human. Containing none of the painful elements of reality Sakuran did, I fully anticipate a story that will tug at my hearts strings even more, and leave me feeling happy, but slightly melancholy, like I always do after I see a film that I wish somehow I had been involved with. Unless of course I use my mad skills to somehow weasel my way into the production staff or cast! Do you think I could be the voice of a little fish girl who likes ham? I know, I'm dreaming.

Alright, my Saturday was fine. I finished watching Season 1 of The Big O, read some Metropolis (I swear, the book just keep getting better an better), and went to Church.

After Church we had our usual 'what do we eat' conundrum. None of us can make up our minds, and we are all too hungry and fried at that point to make sense. It's a painful confusing time.

Should I abandon my Yuffie costume and just do Miku? The cosplay heavens have parted and I know where to get a wig and some pigtails, but then I'd have to buy a better Yuffie wig too, and I'd be just too stressed with all the costume bits.

Also, I need more friends that share my interests. I can become friends with nearly anyone, I have a decent ability to blend in and not offend, and generally be a good person, but the friends I do have and I have less and less in common (school is a chore, I love my teachers, but my friends are just going toilet-wards in terms of whether or not I think they are idiots. Do I love them? Yes. Have anything in common? No.).

So yes. I need to find at least one friend for every separate main interest. That means I have to somehow run in the right circles and integrate myself enough that I meet at least five new people.

Socializing is such a chore.

Maybe I'll get lucky and meet someone at Shriner's next week, but it seems unlikely that anyone will share my interests. Still, that camp volunteering week is always fun.

( DOCTOR WHO SPOILERS SPOILERS DERANGED RANTINGS AHEAD. Use the TARDIS if you want to avoid. Or just don't click the cut. Yes I learned how to do cuts just for this. Tags too. )

( Still Spoiling. Slightly More Intelligent. )

Cheers the the staff, and eagerly awaiting the next season (although Mom harbors some paranoia that everything was wrapped up so tidily that there wouldn't be a next season. I honestly can't fathom what is next, the logical decisions from my point of view would to be have the next companion be River Song, that way we have a connection to the past, but also a whole new sandbox (HELLO WORLD), either way I know the next companion should be fabulous, because they just keep getting better and better).

In the words of the Doctor, "Brilliant."

And "Allons-y", of course.