pointless entry

I don't want to be miserable.

I'm doing alright, but I can't stand the up and down anymore. My meds have changed (yeeeeey, clonopin) but only within the last week or so.

I want to be happy. I don't want to feel like I'm living for nothing.

I want to be successful, and finish my projects, and pay down my library fines, and do my homework, and have friends.

I don't want to lash out at my parents just because there is no one else to lash out at. I wish I had my fathers number so I could shriek at him.


Grandma had mohs surgery for her skin cancer. She looks a fright, I have plenty of pictures. Hopefully it's all gone. She's a trooper. I love her. I'm glad once we took her off the aricept she wasn't crazy any more.

I love my Mommy too. I wish she could have a life to herself, and not worry about Grandma and I. I wish she didn't have to worry about money. I wish she was married to some lovely guy.


My Aunt Amy died. Because of that I met more family. I think it's silly that as a little child I had no big crazy family, and was all alone just the three of us, and suddenly people are coming out of the wood work. This family I had never met before was rich. And perfect. My baby cousin could drive and was a good musician, and had two wealthy parents, and was a good kid. I wish he'd drop dead. My Aunt Sheila was scary and good at the same time. I'm sorry I'm indecisive and for the whole not being able to pick a beverage and then picking one and then it being out you calling over baby cousin to drive and get it being a slap to your face about the whole womens lib things. Sorry. I mentioned MIT. People actually listened and then talked to me like they actually expected me to get in. I was scared. I was glad to go home.


We're supposed to wash strawberries before we eat them but I don't. I don't care if they have dirt and the poopoo of migrant workers on it, washing them just contribute to the failure of the human race, putting us even further into a bubble that can't be sustained.


I puked today. I hadn't had enough food before taking my pills so I upchucked strawberry and date and icky school lunch sandwich halfway up the stairs. I had to hold it in my mouth. It wasn't fun. But it's isn't enough to scare me into loving my body and not feeling horribly overweight and unattractive.


I want to feel entitled, like deserve nice things, and I have lately. I know that isn't true. I need to stop wanting so much.


Disneyland doesn't let you wear costumes there. Someday I'll write to them and get a pass so I can do it anyway.