Current location:	home
Current mood:	apathetic
Current music:	tv

a certain hapless resident
I don't remember in which song Ringo says this, but she describes sex appeal as being all maturity and skill and talent.

I hate how that isn't true in any other realm. In any other realm the mature, the skilled, and the talented will be passed over often times, or never heard, because the power brokers lazily ignore them, or are threatened by them.

You see, it seems destiny is more in control. It;'s easier to say 'destiny' than "God" because God's plan, which he allegedly has for all of us is described as rainbows and smiles, even when in can't possibly be.

I didn't choose my parents, I got luck, I didn't chose my financial bracket, that came with the parents, I never had relatives as a small girl and when I finally learn about them, have them, I can't even fathom it because the gap is too big.

I'm cynical and bitter as of late. Holden Caulfield syndrome, from earlier, has floated back into my thinking.

And when I'm not bitter and cynical, I'm just drunk with apathy. I don't care. I spent three hours entering cheat codes in animal crossing on a golden afternoon, and when it occurred that soon I would have no more goals to achieve in that game I pushed it aside and continued my menial task.

Menial and pointless. I should have been doing something menial and purposeful.

I can't achieve anything. This is my own fault, but perhaps is my resources were different I would be like my baby cousin, musical gifted and with a head screwed on straight.

I can't even go to the bathroom. Every time I go, it clogs. I literally shit bricks. I cry. I just want to go potty! The bathroom in sacred, a place for cleansing, and I used to really enjoy taking a piss, but I'm not allowed to find simple joy in one and two because I'm too busy trying to make little poops and break off the bricks and then flush, and then it clogs anyway.

I have no friends.

I have no skill.

I have no connections.

I have no real reason to live, not even the old stand by of my younger years "well there are so many books I have not read" works anymore. Of course...

I have no drive.

So don't worry about me trying to end it anytime soon.

What if this is all my fault? What if it's my fault? It could be, maybe I'm just to lazy to fix myself. I don't know if that's true, I actually don't know if anything regarding myself is true.

I want to sleep but if I do it know I'll have to renege on something Mom signed me up for tomorrow, and I really wouldn't care I just want her to be happy. But even then, trying to make my family happy doesn't supply enough drive for me to do the right thing.

It's awful, I can't even rail at God. I want to cry.

And yet, in between the afternoon of yesterday and now I had moments of goofily dancing to "Lawrence Welk".

What's wrong with me?